MSCHF Just Made Loafers That Look Like You’re Walking on Timber (And I’m Kind of Obsessed)
Hey there, style enthusiasts! Remember last year when I couldn’t stop talking about those ridiculous Timberland-esque boots that MSCHF dropped? The ones that literally looked like you strapped actual 2×4 pieces of lumber to your feet? Well, grab your wallets (or maybe just your popcorn) because they’re back with something even more bonkers—the 2×4 Loafer.
I was scrolling through Instagram at 1 AM last night (as one does when they should be sleeping) when I spotted these bad boys. Coffee nearly came out my nose. They’ve essentially taken their wild construction boot concept and transformed it into formal footwear that would make even the most eccentric fashion editors do a double-take.
What Even Are These Things?
So picture this: I’m sitting here in my living room with a cup of lukewarm coffee, trying to describe shoes that look like they were designed by someone who’s never actually seen feet before—in the best possible way. These all-black loafers have the same chunky, exaggerated proportions as their boot predecessors but with a formal twist that makes them weirdly perfect for that “business in the front, construction site in the back” vibe we’re all apparently craving in 2023.
The entire shoe is made from gum rubber with this super stacked sole that makes you about three inches taller (short kings, take note). The wildest part? They’ve got this padded leather ankle collar that’s oddly comfortable-looking, and the tread pattern is extruded through the actual body of the shoe—like someone took the bottom of a work boot and just… kept going.
Why I’m Strangely Drawn to These Monstrosities
Let me tell you about my relationship with weird shoes. Back in 2015, I bought platform sneakers that made me tower over everyone at a friend’s wedding. I tripped twice during the electric slide and spilled red wine on the mother of the bride. You’d think I’d have learned my lesson, but nope! There’s something about ridiculous footwear that keeps pulling me back in.
These 2×4 Loafers speak to that same chaotic energy. They’re completely impractical—can you imagine trying to drive in these things? Or run to catch a bus? Or do literally anything requiring normal human movement? Yet I find myself thinking, “Maybe these are exactly what my wardrobe has been missing!”
The Price of Fashion Confusion
If you’re as weirdly intrigued as I am, prepare your credit card for a $325 hit. That’s right—three hundred and twenty-five actual American dollars for shoes that look like they could be props in a Tim Burton movie. They’re available directly from MSCHF right now, though I imagine these will sell out faster than those Big Red Boots did (remember those cartoonish nightmares that every influencer somehow got their hands on?).
Last weekend, I showed a picture of these to my mom, who stared blankly at my phone screen before asking if I was feeling okay. When I told her the price, she started making calls to check if my health insurance covers therapy. Thanks, Mom.
Where Would You Even Wear These?
I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of time contemplating the appropriate settings for debuting these loafers. A job interview? Probably not, unless you’re applying to be a professional attention-seeker. A first date? Only if you want to immediately filter out anyone who doesn’t appreciate avant-garde footwear (which, honestly, might be efficient).
Maybe they’re perfect for those days when you want people to notice you but don’t feel like having an actual conversation. These shoes basically scream, “Yes, I know what I’m wearing. No, I don’t want to talk about it.”
The MSCHF Effect
There’s something both brilliant and ridiculous about what MSCHF keeps doing. They’ve mastered the art of creating things nobody asked for but suddenly everyone wants. I still remember frantically refreshing their website trying to grab those Satan Nike shoes before they got sued (didn’t get them, probably for the best).
The genius is that these items exist in that perfect sweet spot between “completely unwearable” and “conversation piece you’d display in your home.” They’re functional art, if art’s function was to make everyone around you slightly uncomfortable while secretly jealous of your boldness.
Will I buy the 2×4 Loafers? My bank account hopes not. Will I keep thinking about them for weeks, imagining outfits I could build around them until I eventually convince myself they’re a reasonable purchase? Almost definitely.
If you need me, I’ll be here trying to justify how these could be considered a business expense for a blogger. Tax deductible fashion mistakes are still tax deductible, right?
